Hey y’all!
We have just celebrated Sage turning 6 months and I cannot even believe how fast this all has gone. This time last year I was super sick but optimistically day dreaming about these very moments. This time last year we weren’t really sure exactly what we were having (boy or girl) but there was soooo much love surrounding our little secret. We kept my pregnancy from family until I was 17 weeks and didn’t tell friends until 19 weeks and later. The reason for this is because I had a miscarriage right before getting pregnant with Sage and I was terrified of losing him. I wrote a whole post about having a miscarriage so I won’t go into full detail about what happened but if you are interested in knowing all of the details, you can read all about it here.
So I’ll start this by saying, being a mom is hard . It’s really fun (don’t get me wrong) but it is hard. Being pregnant and becoming a mom after having a miscarriage is a new level of difficulty I never imagined would be my reality. So let’s start with being pregnant post miscarriage:
The level of anxiety I felt from start to finish was crazy! Every single twinge, cramp, or discomfort had me stressed me out and overthinking. I had survived one miscarriage but I just knew I wouldn’t make it through another. I had no idea that I would have gotten pregnant AGAIN this fast and this time I was determined to make it to the finish line. The experience of a miscarriage was just too much for me mentally and physically so anything that I could do to get ahead of that trauma, I would. For me this meant regular trips to the OB/GYN Urgent Care for any and everything and calling my doctor’s office nurse hotline often (and by often I mean every other day) and many many texts to all of my friends who were currently pregnant or who had just had a baby. The joys of being pregnant had been snatched away from me from me previous experience. As much as I wanted to be happy, I was too nervous to overindulge in that emotion. So I kept Sage a secret until my body (and D lol) forced me to tell. When I finally started spilling my best kept secret, I found it really hard to match everyone’s joy to the news. My mom and D would try to get me to talk about baby. Specifically, things I wanted or needed (they both know gifts are my love language lol) but I just didn’t find joy in anything baby. Not in the way they did. I couldn’t see past just wanting to deliver a happy, healthy baby. All of the other items (stroller, crib, bibs, clothes) seemed unimportant. My pregnancy was not smooth nor uncomplicated. I was sick from start to finish but I made it to the end. Well, my end. I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and had to be induced at 33 + 6 (33 week and 6 days). Sage came a few days later at 34 + 1 (34 weeks and 1 day). He came out crying and breathing on his own. He only spent 7 days in the NICU which I am forever thankful to God for. Some people never get to bring their babies home but I got to bring mine home in a week.
Now on to being a mom after losing a baby. I constantly find myself trying to find a way to define my motherhood. I’m obviously a mom in the eyes of society but let me explain. I have a hard time trying to figure out how to define the number of kids I have. This may be weird to you if you have never lost a child or even if you have…this is something I really struggle with. When people ask how many kids I have (which so many people do) I always say one but in the back on my mind, I always feel like I am slightly shorting the child I loss. Am I leaving this child unclaimed? After all, the child is mine. The pregnancy was confirmed. I saw the baby on an ultrasound.
I also find myself feeling guilty about being tired or overwhelmed because after all, I did beg God for this. Does being tired make me ungrateful? No. Does wanting a nap make me ungrateful? Also, no. But at times my experiences make me feel this way. As the months progress though, I am getting better with feelings like these. I find myself asking for help when I needed it more often and being okay with taking time to do things that I enjoy without guilt.
Overall, I throughly enjoy being Sage’s mommy. I feel like I was made for this. The joy I get seeing him smile is unmatched. His laughs makes my heart warm and it is crazy the way he watches every single thing that I do. The journey to this very moment was tumultuous but all in all I am very thankful for it. My heart is so full and I have never been happier.
Oh yea, to answer my own question…I like to think that I have two kids. One with Jesus and the other Earth-side chillin with me. Both are mine. Both are loved. Both have made me the mother that I am.
-XO, Elle
This was so beautiful, Elle. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you were so worried throughout your pregnancy but I’m glad that Sage is healthy and happy. He is blessed to have you as a mom.
No problem and Thank you so much sis! 🙂