Surviving A Miscarriage And Figuring Out What’s Next

SO before I even get into the nitty gritty details of it all I just want to warn you that this post is going to get pretty deep. Im not usually one for the deep/emotional posts…I like to keep things light and cute on here but I really feel the need to share this journey with you guys. Immediately after this happened I searched the internet looking for some comforting words from other women who had or are currently going through the same thing. To my surprise, I found so many articles, posts, and YouTube videos of women who had gone (or are currently going) through this. After reading my 100000000th blogpost I thought that I should do the same so here I am. Vulnerable and ready to share.

The Beginning:

I guess I’ll start from the tippy top of this whole hot mess express or as my mom likes to call it “life experience”. We found out that were were pregnant on July 31st 2019. I don’t really know what prompted me to take a pregnancy test other than I just wanted to see what it said. I didn’t have any symptoms really but I figured why not just take one and see. We had been trying for a month at this point and I had no expectations for the test. In fact, when it read positive I was sure it was a scam so I took 13 more just to make sure. All of the tests read positive (except for one but I chugged way too much water before I took it so the sample wasn’t good lol 🙂 ) and we were extremely happy to become parents. We affectionately named our future new addition “Tomato”. A few days after we found out, I began to lightly spot. Not much cramping…just light pink spotting. Of course, I went to the doctor and they reassured me that things were fine. They said spotting was normal in early pregnancy and everything I was feeling was just first time mom jitters. They drew blood and ran tests and everything seemed to be okay but I just had a weird feeling about how this whole pregnancy thing was going to go. I even had a transvaginal ultrasound to further calm my fears. But for some reason, I could not shake the feeling that I was not going to carry this pregnancy to term. (I later found out that D had the same feeling)

I tried to talk to my mom and grandma but each wanting to comfort me and believe in the best reassured me that things would be okay. This only infuriated me and made me feel isolated. I didn’t feel like they heard my cries for help and comfort. The days went on and I really tried my best to shake the feeling but I just knew something was not right. On August 22nd, my bleeding had ramped up and I scheduled an ultrasound with my doctor. My doctor didn’t seem concerned but I think thats how they are supposed to act. Calm, cool, and collected. She inserted the probe, looked at the screen, and there was nothing. No yolk sac. No sign of budding life. Nothing at all. My husbands face dropped and the doctor just seemed so confused. There was nothing there. The doctor offered her condolences and deepest sympathies and then discussed our options to make sure everything was cleared out of my body properly. She gave a total of three options. Of the three, I chose to go with misoprostol. This is a pill that is vaginally inserted to help speed up the process of your body removing all pregnancy tissue. The total process lasts a few days. D helped insert the pills the same day so that we could get the process over with. The total process was super traumatic and very painful. The remnants of our baby plopped out of my body while in the shower. D came in, scooped it up, flushed it down the toilet and that was it. It was awful and I would not wish a moment like that on my worst enemy. I cried for days and then I got angry for days and then I went back to the crying for days. It just didn’t seem fair that it all had to end like that. A heavy period, a large wad of what would be baby tissue, and endless tears.

What Happened Next:

I have been told this sort of emotional cycle is normal but it doesn’t/didn’t feel normal. I felt/feel unstable and crazy. Weeks later, I still cry a lot….like a lot a lot. Some days I shock myself that I even got out of bed. Looking at babies makes me sad. Looking at pregnant women angers me. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them but I am angry that I am no longer in the exclusive club of moms to be. I am angry because I feel like my body failed me. I feel like I failed my husband. When it first happened, I felt betrayed by God Himself. I didn’t understand why He would give me something so special only to take it away. Oh yea, before I forget, the worst part of it all was I was dealing with all of this (and still am) off of my depression medication. What a time! At the beginning of this year I decided to go on depression medication for my mild depression but once we found out that we were pregnant I had to come off of the medication. At the time everything was all good because I was going to have a cute mini in 9 months so I could ditch the meds, no problem. I had been working out which helped boost my mood and as soon as the baby shot out of me, I was going to go right back on the meds. It all seemed like a perfect plan but as the saying goes…we plan and God laughs. So not only was I sad, but I was SAD SAD like realllllyyyyy sad and also very overwhelmed but I knew that I couldn’t let myself stoop too low or I would never recover. I had to pull myself together enough to start some healing.

I started my healing by going to church….like a lot. That first week I think I went three times. (actually the first and second week!) I was in there with snot running out my nose and UGLY crying! It was ROUGH! I figured if I was going to be somewhere upset it was going to be here. I just needed a moment by myself to be in the presence of God. I’ll be honest though, it didn’t take away my pain but it really helped ease my pain and frustration. The sermons seemed to align with what I was going through so that helped. I also continued going to therapy (yes, I am a therapy regular…I’ve been going for two years now and it is worth every penny!) and this allowed me to voice my concerns to an unbiased and super supportive party. I watched YouTube videos, I talk to women who went through the same thing, I journaled, I ate junk food, I cried, I cried in the shower, I cried in the car, I cried to my mom, I got angry, I went shopping, I worked out, I deleted Instagram, I re-downloaded the app, I talked to my husband and cried in his arms….I did so many things. I did as much and I am still doing as much as I can to deal with is because in reality thats all I can do. I HAVE to deal with. I really want to be able to deal with this and most importantly grow from this.

What I Learned:

This was a HUGE lesson for me and D. We learned so much about ourselves as individuals and as a couple. The biggest thing for me is that I found out exactly how strong I actually am. I never knew I would be able to deal with something like this (especially off of my depression medication) and come out on the other side. I will be honest and say that at times I was considering ending it all but then I figured how would I ever be able to get what I want out of life if I am no longer here to live it. That wouldn’t solve my problems at all. I also learned to rely on my husband and that I can’t take everything on myself. And of course, my faith has grown so much during this time. Now this doesn’t mean that I am dripping in holy water every day…some days I’m at 100% and other days I am looking up asking “WHY ME LORD!?!?!” and other days I am somewhere in between (lol!). Each day is its own journey but overall I have learned to really trust in God’s timing. Even when I feel so broken that I can’t continue on I know that He makes no mistakes. So I am really just going to have to trust Him on this one.

Trying Again:

This is still to be decided….I’m not really sure where I am with this one. It’s too soon to tell. I think each couple has to decide this on their own time and I also believe that this decision should be something kept private between the two of you. There is no time limit on something like this. This is a huge loss and you should only try again if you are truly ready emotionally and physically. That’s pretty much all I’ll say on this one. Just make sure you are ready…take your time. Be patient and trust the process which is really cliche but I mean that’s all you really can do. And of course, enjoy the kid free moments that you still have! 🙂

-XO, Elle